Thinking About the Future
I'm 19 years old. I guess you could say that's a relatively young age, but truth be told, I feel old. Too old, but still so very, very young.
No, there's no existential crisis here. Just a little bit of fear and anxiousness about what comes next.
In less than six months, I turn 20. Six months is a long time. But you really don't know what can change in six months. I keep thinking about how different everything is. How different things change in even just a month. A year.
Will I still be me? Or who I think I am? Still talking to the same people, being with the same friends; will things ever be the same?
I tel myself, no. Things will not be the same. In fact, things will change so much. I can't say this for every one, but I know I'll be different. I just have to be.
A year ago, I just graduated from high school, barely beginning college with people I surrounded myself with in high school, being that same kid, just a little older and maybe more arrogant. A year later and I'm surrounded by new people, new experiences, a new mindset, trying to be a new person. Which is good. Change is good. It's hard to accept and I don't like it when change comes, but it is good. Always remind yourself that.
I'm in a better place now. I'm not doing the exact same thing I did in high school. There's gotta be some merit in that because some people just don't change. And maybe they don't have to be but can you really be happy doing the same thing over and over again? Being the same person? (Note: I am a Gemini, so I'm probably just biased).
That's one of the things that scares me about the future. Having to work the same job, doing the same thing with the same people, every single day of your life until you retire. That's gotta be boring, right? It makes me wonder if I really want to keep doing what I'm doing and look forward to that.
Then again, there's more to life than working a 9 to 5. There's the relationships and social aspect of life. Places to go, experiences, living on Mars... Hell, even watching the sunset with a stranger on the rooftop of your best friend's house. Raising kids and making them the cutest school lunches. Maybe, just maybe, finding the thing I love the most (surprised it isn't Paramore? Me too). Just a few things to think about and look forward to.
Ideally, in the future of course, I'd love to work with kids. Daycare, teaching, counseling, it doesn't matter. Kids are great, by the way. They're just small meat sacks with so much god damn potential. They're dreamers. Which is why I'd also like to have a few kids of my own someday. I promised myself I'd be the best mom ever, even if I have to do it alone. I would never want my kids to grow up the same way I did. I'd just like them to be happy all the time. Also, I want guinea pigs. At least three of them.
I know things won't end up exactly like this, but one can hope. I've learned long ago, and am still learning to lower my expectations.Yes, I am trying to accept the fact that I am settling. I should expect more, but disappointment sucks. Even worse is when you don't even realize how much you were expecting something and end up disappointed anyway. Hopefully this will change in a year. Hopefully I will learn to be secure enough in myself to not settle and get what's best for me. I need that confidence. Tips will be graciously expected.
Recently, I was reading off of my journal from my second semester of high school, and boy, were things just so different back then. Some things, the same. For the better, I'm almost definitely not as depressed as I was before. I've gotten rid of toxic people in my life. But I'm still insecure about so many things, still acting the same, still purposely pretending to be clueless because I don't know how else to act around people I don't know. Still, I look forward to the day that just changes.
It's weird to see how far I got in life, how different I feel. A few years ago, I still felt 15 all the time. Then, suddenly, things just became different. I don't know when or how, it all just felt so different all at once. I am not the same person I was at 15. Sometimes I wish for all that youth and innocence back. Free of all responsibility, just worrying about doing worksheets for some class that I really could have missed once or twice. I wish I knew all I knew now when I was younger. I wouldn't have taken all that high school bullshit so seriously. God, we really were just kids. (Who am I kidding, I'm still just a kid now).
Truth be told, I really am scared of the future. We can't see that shit and life is just a bunch of chance. Who even knows if I'll wake up tomorrow feeling the way I am now?
All this said, I do look forward to everything, regardless if they happen they way I hope it will.
No, there's no existential crisis here. Just a little bit of fear and anxiousness about what comes next.
In less than six months, I turn 20. Six months is a long time. But you really don't know what can change in six months. I keep thinking about how different everything is. How different things change in even just a month. A year.
Will I still be me? Or who I think I am? Still talking to the same people, being with the same friends; will things ever be the same?
I tel myself, no. Things will not be the same. In fact, things will change so much. I can't say this for every one, but I know I'll be different. I just have to be.
A year ago, I just graduated from high school, barely beginning college with people I surrounded myself with in high school, being that same kid, just a little older and maybe more arrogant. A year later and I'm surrounded by new people, new experiences, a new mindset, trying to be a new person. Which is good. Change is good. It's hard to accept and I don't like it when change comes, but it is good. Always remind yourself that.
I'm in a better place now. I'm not doing the exact same thing I did in high school. There's gotta be some merit in that because some people just don't change. And maybe they don't have to be but can you really be happy doing the same thing over and over again? Being the same person? (Note: I am a Gemini, so I'm probably just biased).
That's one of the things that scares me about the future. Having to work the same job, doing the same thing with the same people, every single day of your life until you retire. That's gotta be boring, right? It makes me wonder if I really want to keep doing what I'm doing and look forward to that.
Then again, there's more to life than working a 9 to 5. There's the relationships and social aspect of life. Places to go, experiences, living on Mars... Hell, even watching the sunset with a stranger on the rooftop of your best friend's house. Raising kids and making them the cutest school lunches. Maybe, just maybe, finding the thing I love the most (surprised it isn't Paramore? Me too). Just a few things to think about and look forward to.
Ideally, in the future of course, I'd love to work with kids. Daycare, teaching, counseling, it doesn't matter. Kids are great, by the way. They're just small meat sacks with so much god damn potential. They're dreamers. Which is why I'd also like to have a few kids of my own someday. I promised myself I'd be the best mom ever, even if I have to do it alone. I would never want my kids to grow up the same way I did. I'd just like them to be happy all the time. Also, I want guinea pigs. At least three of them.
I know things won't end up exactly like this, but one can hope. I've learned long ago, and am still learning to lower my expectations.Yes, I am trying to accept the fact that I am settling. I should expect more, but disappointment sucks. Even worse is when you don't even realize how much you were expecting something and end up disappointed anyway. Hopefully this will change in a year. Hopefully I will learn to be secure enough in myself to not settle and get what's best for me. I need that confidence. Tips will be graciously expected.
Recently, I was reading off of my journal from my second semester of high school, and boy, were things just so different back then. Some things, the same. For the better, I'm almost definitely not as depressed as I was before. I've gotten rid of toxic people in my life. But I'm still insecure about so many things, still acting the same, still purposely pretending to be clueless because I don't know how else to act around people I don't know. Still, I look forward to the day that just changes.
It's weird to see how far I got in life, how different I feel. A few years ago, I still felt 15 all the time. Then, suddenly, things just became different. I don't know when or how, it all just felt so different all at once. I am not the same person I was at 15. Sometimes I wish for all that youth and innocence back. Free of all responsibility, just worrying about doing worksheets for some class that I really could have missed once or twice. I wish I knew all I knew now when I was younger. I wouldn't have taken all that high school bullshit so seriously. God, we really were just kids. (Who am I kidding, I'm still just a kid now).
Truth be told, I really am scared of the future. We can't see that shit and life is just a bunch of chance. Who even knows if I'll wake up tomorrow feeling the way I am now?
All this said, I do look forward to everything, regardless if they happen they way I hope it will.
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